*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
You Might Also Like
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I’m sure it’s fine.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
ok this is my dumbest yet
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Social Media and Real life
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.