Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
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discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Awwwww shit.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Breaking news:
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.