I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
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[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Home is where your toilet is.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.