So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
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Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Just grow your own
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Me, flirting😏
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Solving a traffic jam
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”