4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
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This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.