I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
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ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I put the mess in domestic.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower