Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
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i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
they finally got him. they got macavity