Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
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Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.