The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
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Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one