All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
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Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Cool shirt 🙂
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis