My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
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Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
don’t be scared
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?