*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
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Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Thursday
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers