Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
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My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.