[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
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ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.