I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
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I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!