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looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.