I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
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Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.