WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
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Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas