Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
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I put the mess in domestic.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
*power walks to the refrigerator*
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*