I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
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If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I have no passwords left in me
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.