[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
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Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.