Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
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I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!