Traveler’s camo
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Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I am crying
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭