[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
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I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there