Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
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I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.