My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
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Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
There’s always that one guy
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
The three genders.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park