[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
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[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club