I don’t make the rules sorry
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Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.