roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
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Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.