Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
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Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
The Joker was right
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit