My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
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I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.