As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
You Might Also Like
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
#gardening
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.