Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
You Might Also Like
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.