8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 馃槀
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“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I鈥檓 leaving.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I gotta go grocery shopping. I鈥檓 the only snack left in the house.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I鈥檓 seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don鈥檛 wanna know about
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla鈥檚 rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.