kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
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I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.