Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
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DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.