My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
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If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Rich people don鈥檛 buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don鈥檛 care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we鈥檙e leaving without you
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn鈥檛 work because the instructions were missing.
I don鈥檛 know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000鈥檚
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
馃拃馃拃馃ぃ Why are we like this?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
chiropractor: so how鈥檚 your back been?
backstreet: alright
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don鈥檛 need that kind of negative talk..
Barbie: [whose arms don鈥檛 bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don鈥檛 close] hell no