mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
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According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
who wore it better?
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”