totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
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Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
when nothing goes right… go left
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
thank god the sign was there
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.