When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
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I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?