stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
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[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Tough love is true love
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still