I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
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The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.