if my sleeping schedule was a person
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Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom