All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
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Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Do not steal food from the science building!
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat