I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
You Might Also Like
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
PLEASE READ
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Phonetics