Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
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Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids