Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
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Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
All set.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
This line from Airplane.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta