°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
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They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.