I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
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Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
#merica
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider