The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
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Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
new wife guy just dropped
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
The three genders.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?